Jokes

2 male friends are walking around in the forest. One of them wants to go for a piss.. so he walks away a bit from the path. Unzips and starts to slash.  Unfortunately for him, a snake bites him on the d***. He is in excruciating pain and his friend hears him screaming. He runs up to him, asking “what happened??”
and the guy says “that blasted snake bit me on my john thomas”..
The friend draws for his mobile phone, starts dialing the emergency hotline,
“Hello, emergency hotline.. what is your emergency?”
“Hi, my friend got bitten by a snake, what shall we do?”
“well, what does the snake look like?”
“I don’t know.. long.. thin.. yellow rings around the body”
“Oh my.. that is a yellowstone rattlesnake.. there is only one way to save your friend”
“omg.. tell me quick!”
“well.. you have to suck the venom out with your mouth..”
“oh… ok.. thank you!”
So he hangs up.. and his friends hollers “so! what did they say ??”
And he replies: “You’ll gonna Die!”

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A man is very sick so he goes to the doctor. The doctor looks him over, runs some tests, and says “Well, this is a strange new virus. The good news is, we have a cure. The bad news is, the only way to administer it is in suppository form.”

The man recoils in disgust and says “What?? You mean, up my arse??”

The doctor says “I’m afraid so. It has to be done twice a day. I’ll do it just this once to show you how, and you can have someone help you do it later in the day.”

The man sighs, reluctantly drops his pants and waits for the doctor to put in the suppository. He feels something go up his arse, and it hurts a little but not too bad. It was over pretty quick.

The doctor gives the man the applicator to take home and sends him on his way. The man goes home and tells his wife how everything went, and how he’ll need her to help put in the suppository later that night. As they’re about to go to bed, they decide to get it over with. He drops his pants, his wife stands behind him. She puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository with the other hand. Just then, the man jumps up and says “wait a minute!!”

His wife says “What’s wrong honey? Did I do it wrong?”

The man says, “No, no, but I just realized something…  When the doctor did it at his office today, he put BOTH hands on my shoulders!!

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There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down suddenly .

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”

“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?

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A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, “I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a
single drop.”
The bartender said, “There is no way you can do that. Sure, I’ll bet you three hundred dollars.”
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, “That’s it, you owe me three hundred dollars.”
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, “Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet.”
The man said, “I’m laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done.”